Kendall Qualls
17
Athlete Bio:
Conservative Kendall Qualls is back for more, as if the first two losses weren’t enough for him (yes, he already ran for major offices twice). He’s excited about the opportunity to be praised by his idol, Trump, in 2026.
Talents:
Can’t handle rejection and brings the same extreme, anti-choice, conservative agenda to every race.
Awards
1
School Cuts Skating
Kendall Qualls wants to take funding away from Minnesota’s public schools and send it to unaccountable private schools. Trump went to a private school, so maybe that’ll help Qualls out this year?
2
Anti-Abortion Alpine Skiing
Qualls was endorsed by a known anti-choice organization, Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life.
April 2022: Qualls admitted he supports extreme anti-abortion fake clinics that spread misinformation, encouraging pregnant people not to obtain abortion care.
Kendall Qualls describes himself as “100 percent pro-life.” He’s just like all the other conservatives, but we’ll still give him a medal.
March 2026: In his 2026 gubernatorial platform, Qualls lists anti-choice legislation as a top priority.
3
Billionaire Bobsled
2019: Kendall Qualls admitted to voting for Donald Trump and said he agrees with Trump’s policies. He’s referring to the same policies that give tax breaks to large corporations and billionaires at the expense of Minnesotans. Gold medal!
2024: Qualls doubled down on his support for Trump and his intention to bring Trump’s policies to Minnesota, earning him a second gold medal in this category.
July 2025: Kendall Qualls says, “We want to take care of the rich, you know, give tax breaks to the rich.”
3
ICE Dancing
January 2026: Qualls releases a video statement to which he claims, “we don’t have an ICE problem” and “we have a Joe Biden problem” after weeks of terror by federal agents.
March 2024: Qualls names banning sanctuary cities and policies as top priorities.
3
Minnesota Madness
March 2026: Qualls picks a running mate who is accused of financial misconduct due to using business money for personal expenses. Qualls literally had one job. Trump might approve, though. Talk about Madness!
May 2026: Qualls receives the GOP endorsement for governor from a room that also held a moment of silence for Derek Chauvin… Right… Trump is sure to approve!
June 2026: Qualls touted plans to cut billions of dollars from programs that Minnesotans rely on and slash funding for essential services. Lucky for him, Trump also approves of cutting healthcare from working families. Congrats on the medal!
3
Healthcare Hockey
May 2026: While Minnesotans struggle to visit the doctor following Trump and conservatives’ cuts to the Affordable Care Act (ACA), Qualls called the ACA a “sham.” Lucky for Qualls, Trump hates access to healthcare… So he gets some medals!